Something Bigger

Everyday I think about regret.  The things I wish I did...and the things I wish I didn't do.  If I don't regret, I run the risk of living my life however I feel like living it.  If I live in regret I miss out on living a free live.  So where's the balance?  I feel like my life can be so much more than it is...I feel like it could be so much more exciting and free but there's so many things that hold me back.  My complacency, my guilt, and all of the substitutes I manage to find in place of what I really need.  Regret kills our aspirations.  It holds us back because everytime we dream of something or want to strive for something regret reminds us of our mistakes.  I think freedom from regret is found in the true meaning of life.  Once we understand what life is all about and what's really important we start making the right choices.  Once we can move beyond the temporary and see a glimpse of the horizon we start living for something better than ourselves.

As soon as I stop focusing on what's happening to me, and what I don't have, and what I want; I start to see what's really happening in life.  It's the liberation from myself that sets my spirit free.  And in these moments I seem to discover a new world.  It's full of beauty, pain, and adventure.  And things start to come into focus.  I start to understand that everything has purpose and design...even the hard parts. 

I hope some day to have a boat and go sailing...on the open sea.  When I think of sailing I think of how I want my life to be.  I see myself sitting behind that wheel with no exact destination in mind but I'm going somewhere; there's no roads or stop signs or speed limits.  I'm free to say what I want and if I want to scream at the top of my lungs I can.  The waves break against the boat and spray me with a cool mist and it's exhilarating.  If my life could be like this I would be happy.  A life lived without all the restrictions of society.  A life where I could express myself the way I want to express myself.  I wouldn't feel the pressures of having a career and having all these things that just wither away in the end.  If I could have any job, I would travel the world attempting to capture the magic found in everything.  From the lightly falling snow flakes to the way the wind moves the long grass.  A life spent searching for more of the miracles given to us by the Divine.  I often dream of being Adam.  He spent 100 years searching a continent for a companion.  The whole time experiencing the wonders of nature for the first time. 

I think everyone has this inner desire.  I read an article about the wide spread depression people were experiencing after watching Avatar.  Everyone has this desire to live in a world without the corporate scars of greed.  A life spent experiencing life the way it was meant to be experienced.  A life of harmony and love.  Where we admired the fingerprint of something greater than us.  People experienced this but don't know where it comes from.  The desire to live beyond their personal desires.  The desire to believe in something, something that has the answers.  Something to pray to.  The ability to say it's not in my control.  To fight for something we love.  To take the leap.  To not fear death.  To truly believe in something bigger than us.