An Idea

Do you ever have an idea that’s been hammered at you since the as long as you can remember?  Then, all of the sudden it hits you square in the face, and as you look back you can see the progression through conversations, moments and attitudes that led up to this point.  It’s so simple you just can’t comprehend why you haven’t seen it in this light before. 

Ever since I was young I have heard about the importance of loving people.  I have heard about how I am supposed to follow the Bible and love my neighbor and love my enemy.  None of this seemed to be real to me though.  It was all “Bible times” stuff to me.  I guess you could say the words living to me like they should be.  Looking back I guess when people talked about the “living” word I just figured it meant it always applied to the present.  I’m starting to see now that it’s not merely a referral to how to apply.  The words in this book are alive in that they are meant to be a part of who we are every day, every breath.  The words are alive because they carry more meaning than just a way to live life…these words offer the key to life itself.  In the past I have always looked at it as a “guidebook” or an “answer book” and a lot people had taught this concept.  I’m starting to realize that the Bible should never be merely a book about how to live.  This book holds the secrets to the questions everyone in life is dying to know.  Who am I and what in the world am I supposed to do with my life.  We all wish we really knew ourselves.  We all wished we could feel passionate about our life the same way we think others feel passionate about theirs. 

I recently had a conversation with my parents over breakfast.  Once again my arrogant attitude came up as I revealed (not on purpose) that I am even prideful about my weaknesses.  In the moment, it was just another speech I had made up to cover the reality of my life.  On my inside I scream for someone to know the deeper parts of me, but my outside responds with a canned speech about how I have it all figured out.  Or how I have it all figured out that I don’t have it figured out…so really I have it figured out.  It is just me making sure I control the conversation again.  My worst fear and my greatest desire is that someone will ask me a question that knocks me off balance and forces me to reveal my heart. 

Our conversation was about how I choose to not to hang out or associate myself with certain people because they aren’t like me.  I gave various reasons like how it’s just human nature to associate with those who share similar personalities.  As I finished an amazing book I have been reading tonight (“Who Stole My Church”) I was struck by a story of a broken man that the people in the book encountered in their church.  This man transformed the way they looked at their church and their role in it.  I found myself eating up every word of this story and my heart longed to be able to impact someone like these people were.  I thought to myself “if only I could make an impact on someone’s life.”  Then it hit me, I had that moment where that simple idea became real to me.  These people were exercising our purpose on this earth, they were loving a broken man, a reject just like Jesus loved people.  Now, we have all heard this over and over and probably can all talk about how this is our purpose to love people.  I myself have talked like this.  But never before has it actually taken form in my mind where I began to picture the faces of people.  So many people I have written off because they dress weird, or talk weird, or look social awkward.  Then I would turn around and talk about how I wish I could make an impact on hurting people.  As I write this I shake my head.  I was so blind because I wasn’t willing to actually put myself in a situation where this could happen.  I didn’t want to be uncomfortable.  I didn’t want to associate myself with “uncool” people.  Yet, discovering the hearts of these broken people are what life is all about.  You want a life of fulfillment and passion, risk yourself for someone else and see true change.  Share your brokenness and watch how the love of Jesus can miraculously enter into that place and rescue a life.  I pray tonight that I can change my attitude.  I want to see people for who they are…precious children of God.  I want to see my life taken over and used for something meaningful.  I want my pride and judgments to give way to a love so powerful it can change and heal the most broken heart.  To truly love one another…my purpose…my life…my joy.

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There's something about waiting.  It feels like a time when we are enduring the worst moments, to get to the best moments.  There's nothing worse than waiting for something that isn't anything yet.  It forces us to look at the now.  To live in the now.  When life feels stagnant our inner immaturities and unrests seem to come up.  Discontent floats in because nobody ever writes in moments like these into their life scripts.  The stories in our heads are full of excitement and movement.  In our "ideal" stories we never have to stop and look at the reality of our lives.  We are never forced to look at the parts of ourselves we don't like.  We don't have time to discover that this isn't the way we wanted to be.  In our "perfect" worlds there isn't time to think about how things didn't turn out how we wanted.

Inside I want to be ok with someone writing my own story.  But the fact is when someone else is writing our story we have to live through the parts we don't like.  The downs don't come when when we want them to or when we feel ready for them.  Sometimes I feel stuck in a world out of my control and I desperately want to change it.  There's times when I'm not ok with not being in control.  In my head I can see how my life could be.  Then reality strikes and there's no way for me to get there if I wanted to.

Books and stories make life seem like a fairytale.  Who doesn't want a fairytale for their own lives.  The problem sets in when our focus becomes how our life isn't that fairytale.  It's only natural that a part of us  longs for something different; for something better than this.  When you aren't busy and when there isn't anything to look forward to we can't be distracted from this fact of life.  When busyness sets in we don't look at the weakness of ourselves.  It's nights like these where all I want to do is drift away in the dreams of my music.  Where the melodies seem to bring me one step closer to the one thing I can't have here...a perfect life...a perfect moment.  I often wonder if our inspirations in life often are things we can't attain here.  Our dreams are things that will never be fully achieved.  Maybe our lives our spent chasing.  What we chase after, defines the course of our life.  It's like we're chasing after that one last thing that will fix us.  Everyone feels this, a feeling that something just isn't right.  Like our lives are missing something; some mystery.  Our dreams and our hopes revolve around what we feel will bring us to a place of completeness.  A place of perfection.  Where every morning we wake up and feel full, alive, loved, at peace...complete.

As I thought about what I would like to do for the rest of my life I have had a strong feeling towards traveling.  Sometimes I wonder if I love to drive because I have this sense that what I am looking for is out there, here on this earth.  And someday, I'll find it.  It's an illusion that I long to chase.  The challenging part in life is directing my heart to search not here; but to search above.   Everything in my mind is telling me that this car, or that job, or that girl will fill me; will complete me.  Yet, something in my heart whispers that my flesh lies.  It whispers that my heart and soul don't belong here on earth.  I'm not destined to be here.  I sense this will be my life struggle.  To learn how to listen to that whisper and live by it.  The struggle to put my faith in something I can't see.  The struggle to resist satisfying the here and now instead of focusing on looking to the future.

So, as the days roll by I hope to find purpose in not what I do, but in who I am.  I feel that somewhere locked inside me resides the person I long to become.  A full person, a person who listens to the whispers, a person who can embrace the life I was meant to live, and to live the way it was meant to be lived.  Life can be beautiful...I guess it's just how we choose to look at it.  Life may not be a fairytale, but it can certainly be a great story.  A story filled with wild adventures.  I just hope these pages will turn a little faster.