There's something about waiting. It feels like a time when we are enduring the worst moments, to get to the best moments. There's nothing worse than waiting for something that isn't anything yet. It forces us to look at the now. To live in the now. When life feels stagnant our inner immaturities and unrests seem to come up. Discontent floats in because nobody ever writes in moments like these into their life scripts. The stories in our heads are full of excitement and movement. In our "ideal" stories we never have to stop and look at the reality of our lives. We are never forced to look at the parts of ourselves we don't like. We don't have time to discover that this isn't the way we wanted to be. In our "perfect" worlds there isn't time to think about how things didn't turn out how we wanted.
Inside I want to be ok with someone writing my own story. But the fact is when someone else is writing our story we have to live through the parts we don't like. The downs don't come when when we want them to or when we feel ready for them. Sometimes I feel stuck in a world out of my control and I desperately want to change it. There's times when I'm not ok with not being in control. In my head I can see how my life could be. Then reality strikes and there's no way for me to get there if I wanted to.
Books and stories make life seem like a fairytale. Who doesn't want a fairytale for their own lives. The problem sets in when our focus becomes how our life isn't that fairytale. It's only natural that a part of us longs for something different; for something better than this. When you aren't busy and when there isn't anything to look forward to we can't be distracted from this fact of life. When busyness sets in we don't look at the weakness of ourselves. It's nights like these where all I want to do is drift away in the dreams of my music. Where the melodies seem to bring me one step closer to the one thing I can't have here...a perfect life...a perfect moment. I often wonder if our inspirations in life often are things we can't attain here. Our dreams are things that will never be fully achieved. Maybe our lives our spent chasing. What we chase after, defines the course of our life. It's like we're chasing after that one last thing that will fix us. Everyone feels this, a feeling that something just isn't right. Like our lives are missing something; some mystery. Our dreams and our hopes revolve around what we feel will bring us to a place of completeness. A place of perfection. Where every morning we wake up and feel full, alive, loved, at peace...complete.
As I thought about what I would like to do for the rest of my life I have had a strong feeling towards traveling. Sometimes I wonder if I love to drive because I have this sense that what I am looking for is out there, here on this earth. And someday, I'll find it. It's an illusion that I long to chase. The challenging part in life is directing my heart to search not here; but to search above. Everything in my mind is telling me that this car, or that job, or that girl will fill me; will complete me. Yet, something in my heart whispers that my flesh lies. It whispers that my heart and soul don't belong here on earth. I'm not destined to be here. I sense this will be my life struggle. To learn how to listen to that whisper and live by it. The struggle to put my faith in something I can't see. The struggle to resist satisfying the here and now instead of focusing on looking to the future.
So, as the days roll by I hope to find purpose in not what I do, but in who I am. I feel that somewhere locked inside me resides the person I long to become. A full person, a person who listens to the whispers, a person who can embrace the life I was meant to live, and to live the way it was meant to be lived. Life can be beautiful...I guess it's just how we choose to look at it. Life may not be a fairytale, but it can certainly be a great story. A story filled with wild adventures. I just hope these pages will turn a little faster.
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