A Bed of Dreams

What is it about wind?  You always see it on commercials; there's that beautiful model with the wind wildly blowing her hair.  There's those moments where we get shivers when it blows across our face in just the right way...where does this all come from?  Wind is free.  It has the appearance of a free form that simply travels wherever it desires.  Maybe this is why we all love the feel of wind; that perfect temperature change.  It seems to beckon us on to some far off new place. I remember the first time I stood and felt the pure Colorado air blow across my face; it makes the earth sing.  It is a drug.  The trees dance in it.  What is air, now that I think about it?  We can feel it, we breathe it, but we can't reach out and grab it.  We can't see it.  Sure there's a scientific explanation but that just doesn't suffice for me.  There's some mysterious power about it.  The best way to experience air, in my opinion, is on the water.  That mist that whips up to cool your face.  Someday I will have a boat and experience this all the time.  When I worked at the cemetery I used to spray the hose into the air and let the mist whip back and I would close my eyes to imagine myself gliding across the sea.  This is my place.  This is what I imagine when the wind beckons my spirit to some far away place.  This is my place of freedom.  Rhythm and melody flow freely here.  It is here that I run from everything I fear.  It is here that I run from pain, and sorrow.  It's in this vision that I see myself leaving behind the loneliness and struggle that meets me everyday.

I do dream a lot.  As I read back on this I see how, once again, I am writing of my drifting mind.  I often find it difficult to live in my reality.  I find myself not satisfied with my story so far.  I spend my nights drifting off to sleep dreaming of what I wish would happen in my life.  I hide in my music and my dreams.  When life doesn't go my way I plug in my headphones and make believe a better place.  Do some people actually live out their dreams?  I seem to just lay and hope that they somehow magically happen on their own.  Where does the desire and courage to actually make these dreams come true come from?  I hope I find it soon because these blog entries are getting rather repetitive.  They always seem to be about abstract ideas and things that float around in my head like bobbing buoys.  A lot of people write about things that actually happen to them.  I find the things that actually happen to me to be rather boring.  My challenge for myself now is to start making my life a much better story.  Something has to change, and I'm not sure what it will be.  But, life has a way of dragging you out of your fantasy world after awhile and facing you with a choice.  The choice to take on opportunity or to continue to lay in a bed of false hopes and fake worlds.  Don't get me wrong, this bed happens to be very comfortable, but after awhile, you start to get a bad case of bed sores.  So, until that day of opportunity strikes, I wish you fair well, and I wish myself good luck.

(written to the tunes of Jonsi, Sky Sailing, and Armin Van Buuren)

Kings & Queens

And there I stood, standing atop a mountain overlooking the oceans and the forest. Everything seems bigger and better on a mountain. My favorite song streaming through my head phones as slowly the earth spins around me. This is life’s journey, these moments where everything seems clear. These exclamation points in our stories are what pump the blood through our veins. Sometimes life can seem perfect. There hasn’t been many moments in my life quite like this; the sun piercing the snowy mountain peaks and shades of the ocean waters below paint a picture that artists have tried to capture for years; but they fail. Have you ever wondered why, when you look at a picture you’ve taken you see it’s nothing like what you saw. Imagine if you could experience all those emotions just through a picture, it would be criminal. My recent trip was filled with these moments that pictures can never express…though I continued to believe that maybe, just maybe, this one picture would be it. And I could then share my experience with someone else. But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, these moments are personal and unique. I think they’re moments where we stumble upon something pure; some pure moment where heaven and earth connect. Though I may sound like a crazy person I just can’t deny that there’s some special connection to this world around us, this nature, and heaven. I mean they were both made by the same creator, there has to be traces found in both.

Our regular lives seem to fog our memories of these moments, we get caught up in petty things and forget about how we felt in those moments. I seem to be starting to understand the personality of the wanderer, those people understand. They go from place to place experience these moments and it’s what fuels them. They might not understand where it all comes from but at least they aren’t trapped in the cycle of society. They haven’t believed the lies that culture seems so set on selling us all. Value isn’t found in the things we have; its found in the experiences we have…how can you blame someone who spends their whole life in search of more and more genuine experiences?

Alone

The older I get the more I realize how much I am tied to time. As at moves forward it forces us to move forward. I’m caught in the trap of wanting to feel content and not worry and in result all I do is float along with everything around me changing. As much as we feel helpless in this life I think we don’t realize how we can have an impact on the way our lives shape out. Events might not be in our control but our reaction to them is. I think that’s where the balance lies; being able to accept what’s happening to us, but at the same not accepting our desire to crawl up and stop trying.
This age is a difficult one to be in. I’m at the point where everyone around me is heading in different directions and I am forced to try and figure out where I am supposed to go. For many, I think it can be a more lonely time of life. We might have people around us and friends there for us; but there’s something about it. Maybe it’s just me but there seem to be more and more times where I feel quite alone in this world. It’s so big and I am so small. I can’t seem to find anything to connect with; or anything that understands what I’m feeling. The distance between me and what’s around me always seems to be growing farther and farther. I long for change but I seem to be stuck in this place. Deep down I feel like that won’t help. It’s something deeper, something more complex. Maybe I’m tired of the same games that people seem to play with each other. No one trusting each other, no one really being honest with themselves. Maybe the whole world is more disconnected and lonely than I think. I often ask myself the question of whether this is just the way this life is and I shouldn’t search for something better.
It seems every time I start thinking this way, though, some miracle I see reminds me that’s not the way it’s meant to be here on earth. This life isn’t meant to be lived in sadness and loneliness. Yeah it’s a pain filled world and there will be moments of loneliness and sadness. But we live in a dead world that’s completely surrounding by something so much greater. When we focus on this the goodness from this light can’t help but seep into the lives of people on earth. I think this is what part of believing in God means. It means that we live a different life, it means that we can have deeper relationships with because we can connect on a different level. Maybe the real problem for me is that I haven’t embraced this life like I should. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m living half in and half out. As I write it it seems so backwards that I would attempt this, why would I neglect myself from the things that I so truly long for. But isn’t that the human condition? Knowing what we really need to make us happy but continually turning to the things that will never satisfy. I guess that’s life here on earth, that’s the struggle, the question is do we have the faith to overcome.