Alone

The older I get the more I realize how much I am tied to time. As at moves forward it forces us to move forward. I’m caught in the trap of wanting to feel content and not worry and in result all I do is float along with everything around me changing. As much as we feel helpless in this life I think we don’t realize how we can have an impact on the way our lives shape out. Events might not be in our control but our reaction to them is. I think that’s where the balance lies; being able to accept what’s happening to us, but at the same not accepting our desire to crawl up and stop trying.
This age is a difficult one to be in. I’m at the point where everyone around me is heading in different directions and I am forced to try and figure out where I am supposed to go. For many, I think it can be a more lonely time of life. We might have people around us and friends there for us; but there’s something about it. Maybe it’s just me but there seem to be more and more times where I feel quite alone in this world. It’s so big and I am so small. I can’t seem to find anything to connect with; or anything that understands what I’m feeling. The distance between me and what’s around me always seems to be growing farther and farther. I long for change but I seem to be stuck in this place. Deep down I feel like that won’t help. It’s something deeper, something more complex. Maybe I’m tired of the same games that people seem to play with each other. No one trusting each other, no one really being honest with themselves. Maybe the whole world is more disconnected and lonely than I think. I often ask myself the question of whether this is just the way this life is and I shouldn’t search for something better.
It seems every time I start thinking this way, though, some miracle I see reminds me that’s not the way it’s meant to be here on earth. This life isn’t meant to be lived in sadness and loneliness. Yeah it’s a pain filled world and there will be moments of loneliness and sadness. But we live in a dead world that’s completely surrounding by something so much greater. When we focus on this the goodness from this light can’t help but seep into the lives of people on earth. I think this is what part of believing in God means. It means that we live a different life, it means that we can have deeper relationships with because we can connect on a different level. Maybe the real problem for me is that I haven’t embraced this life like I should. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m living half in and half out. As I write it it seems so backwards that I would attempt this, why would I neglect myself from the things that I so truly long for. But isn’t that the human condition? Knowing what we really need to make us happy but continually turning to the things that will never satisfy. I guess that’s life here on earth, that’s the struggle, the question is do we have the faith to overcome.