Happily Ever After

We all ask questions to the stars at night.  We all wonder why things happen the way they do, and why things don't happen.  As the struggles of life drift by I often pause in life; what does everything mean?  In those few moments that life makes sense we bask in the warmth of understanding.  But in all those other times when nothing seems to quite add up...what do we do then?  What can we do?  The world we live in can often be overwhelming.  A life filled with people in need; filled with people who have broken hearts, broken spirits.  What can I do about it?  I often seem to have my own broken heart, and my own broken spirit.  What do I have to have to offer?  Realistically I can't offer anything...I'm no different than the struggling person next to me.  It's a hard realization to come to.  However privileged we might feel in life...we aren't.

Perfection is something humanity has always striven for, and the results have made themselves clear in our struggle.  True perfection can never be accomplished here, and our substitutes for perfection are self-destructive addictions.  Have you ever noticed that some of the most beautiful moments in life have been when sorrow and pain are embraced?  When families come together in hardship, when friends struggle through together, when lovers stick through those times life doesn't make sense.  For how much our world searches for happiness it seems that all we find are struggles, yet within those hard times we find the hope that our beating hearts depend on to survive.

Life isn't about blowing bubbles and living happily ever after.  As much as we want that and as depressing as it sounds life never goes that way.  But here's the good news.  Since we can't reach perfection, since we can't make things always sunny, since we can't live happily ever after lives we no longer have to worry.  The balance of life is not in our control.  Our destiny is not in our control.  We no longer have to worry about where our hope will come from, we no longer have to worry about fixing up our lives to reach some fantasy life we want.  All we have to do is live life.  All we have to do is let go.  Our yokes are heavy but His is light.  Our yokes bring frustration but His brings peace.  Not a perfect life, not a life that will always make sense, not a life where everyone will always love us or be there for us.  But a life where He will always be there for us, a life with a destiny that has already been made for us.  A life with a beautiful horizon.  So when the desert around us seems to be unbearable all we need to do is look to the horizon, to gaze on the horizon, and there we will see it.  Through the tears of today we will see it.  Through the aching heart and the confused mind we will see what we have always wanted to see.  A hope that never fails...a love that will never leave us...a Savior who will always be there and has written our destiny for us to be forever saved, to be never alone, and to live a life of purpose...and someday...on that horizon there lies a place where we just might...live happily ever after.

Heaven on Earth

Have you ever dreamed under the stars and tried to comprehend how big this world really is? Or felt the power of thunder in your chest and shivered at the power of a Savior? Have you ever seen how the trees cut the horizon line in such a way that is so creative and beautiful?  So many people think its healthy to hate this world.  They say that anything of the world is evil.  Yet, everything in this world was created by God.  The people, the mountains, the oceans...the space that swallows us above!  We are hammered with the idea that we should be attached to nothing on this earth.  But I can't help myself from becoming attached to a creativity that can be seen on earth of unimaginable glory.  Far too often we forget that pleasure was created by God.  Sure we abuse those pleasures and fall into sin.  But, if it wasn't for people abusing God's creation, earth would be a pure paradise.  

If God created the universe and he created people, why on earth would we hate the world we live in!  Quite the opposite should occur.  We should fall in love with the Creator the more and more we discover the joys that are offered here, on this planet!  C.S. Lewis felt that the best time in life was spent sitting around with friends smoking pipes and talking.  It's one thing to say no joy can come from sin, but how can we say that no joy can come from the world that was created perfect!  Everywhere we look we can see the fingerprints of God.  It's no surprise to me that so many people have worshiped the sun, the rain, the moon.  These people recognized that something powerful was around them.  They just didn't realize that these things were merely creations from a true Deity.

The world around me makes me happy.  Music, nature, people...I'm tired of people trying to pretend the world around them isn't good.  We aren't on this earth to simply get through it and enter heaven.  There's so much more purpose.  Life was meant to be lived!  Life is meant to be enjoyed, sure there's suffering and pain and discomfort in life but all that is part of the beauty.  It's all part of this epic journey each one of takes through a world destined to be rescued.  When we embrace the world around us, we embrace the Creator of this world.  Shutting ourselves in simply neglects us from experiencing a mystical creation all around us, where at each turn we can learn something new about the God who created all of it.  When we push past the all the pain and the wrong in life and look to all the good in life, we can truly start to taste heaven on earth.

Change

Somedays I just wanna sleep all day.  I want to hate the world and how it won't listen to me.  I keep asking the question why won't the world just do what I want it to do.  Why won't things go my way for once?  So instead of facing the day I stay in my cocoon and sulk.  Slowly I sink to such an emotional low and all the mistakes I've made come floating back.  Shame and guilt creep in and the worst feelings begins...the fading of hope.  

However, throughout this whole sinking I have forgotten something.  I prayed for change....

What is change? It's something different than now.  It's moving from the way I live my life now to something different.  As change sets in the way I've always done things gets disrupted and now I find myself sleeping through reality.  That's the thing about change, from a distance it seems great.  Then it happens to us, and we reel and cling to what we know.  We don't like that floating feeling, where we don't feel in control.  But really, that floating feeling is us flying.  It's what we've always wanted, it's that place we should be in.  It's exhilarating, it's breathtaking and yeah...it's scary.  But that's just the process.  Learning how to do something is rarely fun.  Learning how to live life the way it was meant to be lived is hard.  

At the end of the day, the real question arises.  When the change you so desperately want sets in...will you reel and try and cling to what you know...or will you simply free fall...simply trust...simply believe...simply have faith?  When we fly we find what humanity desires most...hope.  Hope for something better.  Hope for freedom.  

Invented

Someone recently told me they thought I could use a good break from "my room in the basement."  .....I like it in my tucked away room in the basement!  This safe place I have which I call home.  I like to sit there and mull around different complaints I have and I like to sulk and feel sorry for myself cause no one is in my cave to tell me I shouldn't.  Yet, my cozy corner room isn't where I alive.  I spend so much time there it has started to perplex me as to why I stay there.

A few days ago I had a conversation with my sister about why I liked music so much.  I told her that when I listen to music I see these fantasy places in my head.  Everything about music translates into visuals for me.  I'm always standing on some cliff-lined coast or a rugged mountain peak.  These are the places I feel most alive and these are the places I wish I was.  The feelings I have in those moments are when I feel live.  Lets just say I definitely don't ever picture my basement room during those songs.

So back to my question, why do I stay there so long?  Its because down there, my weaknesses don't matter.  It is my world that I feel is in my control.  There's no chance for rejection.  There's no chance that someone might not be there when I need them.  There's no chance for failure.  It is a place where nothing changes unless I want it to.

Stepping out is what makes me alive.  Taking risk is when I find fulfillment.  Risking rejection is when I will find the people that mean the most to me.  When we look back on life we never see the moments where we were safe and secure.  We see the moments where life was hard and we overcame.  We see the moments where we went for our dreams and jumped into that unknown. Living life is hard.  We're gonna get hurt, we're gonna fall down.  We're gonna feel rejected and we're gonna wish at times that we staying in our safe places.  Yet, life has so much potential in these scary things.  The good things in life come with sacrifice.  Sometimes, to gain something, we have to lose something.  Sometimes, to reach our lofty goals, we must first fall to the bottom.  When something needs fixing we take it apart, fix it and then put it back together.  Nobody wants their life to be taken apart.  I don't want my life to be taken apart, I want to stay in my basement cove.  But I want to be changed more.  The things I want in life only come with risk.  So I am hope full for change.  I am looking for those moments where I can step out of my basement and live; where I can find those scenes from my head and make them here and now.  From here on, I am in search of that winding dangerous path, because there is where the excitement is, and in that excitement is where life becomes the journey we all long for.  A journey filled with the true joys, the true pains, and the true hope of life.

(Written to the Jimmy Eat World album "Invented")    

An Elevator

As I rode down the elevator at to end my day I was joined by a lady who seemed to almost be in tears.  Not really knowing what to say...but having to say something...I simply asked "long day at work?"  she proceeded to tell me how she had a long two weeks of work and how her husband had been waiting for an hour at the airport and she just seemed to have a sad heart.  Then like that the elevator opened and off she went.  When you read magazines or inspirational articles those conversations don't seem to go like that.  There's always this amazing, life-changing, conversation which turns the persons world around.  Yet as I sat in my car I wondered what I could've said...life is just the way it is.  Words don't change circumstances.  Too often we try and give a solution.    Yet, our solution comes from a place in our own life...a place that's so different from other people.  I realized that all she need today was for someone to listen...someone to not try and fix it...someone to just be there and know that life doesn't go the way we want.

Our hope in life doesn't come from amazing words...it comes from knowledge of something greater.  When a friend says encouraging words...its not the words that comfort us...it's the knowledge that they care, and that they are trying their hardest to understand what you're feeling.  As in tune with life and as good as life can get we all have those days where nothing fits right.  We have a heavy heart but couldn't tell anyone why.  There sometimes seems to be this sense that things aren't right here.  Sometimes all the pain in this world just spills over, somedays I can't help but simply feel sad.  Nothing is wrong with my day...it just feels like life can just never be perfect...somedays there's simply too much hurt in the world to be happy.

Do you ever listen to a song when you're feeling down and it makes you feel a little more down...and it's a good feeling?  It's like I was talking about before, if that's feeling when someone doesn't try to fix or make it better.  When you hear that song it feels like they're there too.  Like they understand.  Too often I think we throw around cliche phrases of encouragement to "make it better."  So maybe what I said in the elevator was just the right thing to say...yeah, life's hard...just keep on going.  This is a broken world, no one ever said we should always feel good about everything.  Sometimes the best remedy is to embrace what we're feeling, to understand it, and express.  That's when clarity comes.  That's when we grow.  That's when perspective comes in and life seems to get a little bit better.

Fall=flannel shirts and thinking

Fall seems to be coming and its been a long time since I last wrote much at all.  I'm writing now because its getting cold out and I finally have a laptop.  Writing in bed or in a coffee shop is always much better than sitting at a desk.  Last time I wrote I said I wouldn't write again until I have actually done something with my.  So now, what have I done!?  Summer was a busy one.  Between working, taking classes, weddings and trying to find a new job I had my moments of stress.  As my schedule has settled down I am feeling a great feeling of peace and excitement at the same time.  Some moments of my life I just don't think at all about what's in store for my future.  But moments like the past few days have had me getting excited.  I feel something coming.  Everything in life seems to be falling in place.  I'm in my last semester of school.  I have a good job that I enjoy and I've moved into a house that offers a place of rest and safety for me....but then I get to thinking....

As I sit here I'm trying to think of the highlights of my summer as far what impacted me the most.  It just all seems to be grouped into one thing...growing older.  But I guess everyone does.  Now, however, I have more of a sense than before that I am growing older.  My friends are going their own directions now and it forces me to take a look at where I want to go and who I want to be.  When we are young those questions aren't so strong.  Now I have nights of just me with myself.  It's on these nights that I ask the questions that everyone hates asking.  "What am I doing right now?" "What do I need to do differently?" and "Why am I still living this same way?"  I have found that as a stage of life comes to close I start to cherish things more.  It makes a person live differently...to be on the brink of the end to something that changed the person you were.  A simple conversation isn't taken for granted anymore.  It is an interesting point to be at.  To have everyone you are connected with around you setting courses for new places with new people...and yet I seem to still be drifting, simply taking it all in.  I get to watch and see all that they are gaining and all that they are leaving behind.  The question I keep coming back to is where do I fit in all of this?  Do I simply fade into the world to do my own thing? How much were our lives intertwined before that they might affect our tomorrows?

Destiny is an interesting thing to think about....what are you destined to do.  Who are you destined to know?  What impact are you destined to have.  Looking ahead things don't usually go our way...but looking back things usually worked out pretty good.  This I must remember day-in and day-out.  That I, in fact, do not know best.  I am always trying to take the pen and write my own story...if that actually happened it'd probably be the worst story ever...filled with tragedy and no resolve....if only my story could get written a little faster...I'm feeling rather restless these days.

I guess this is welcome to fall then...and if I know myself very well, there will be many more of these posts that don't really make sense to come in this season.  Don't worry...in a few hours I'll realize what I was really trying to say.

(Written in my favorite flannel shirt)

A Bed of Dreams

What is it about wind?  You always see it on commercials; there's that beautiful model with the wind wildly blowing her hair.  There's those moments where we get shivers when it blows across our face in just the right way...where does this all come from?  Wind is free.  It has the appearance of a free form that simply travels wherever it desires.  Maybe this is why we all love the feel of wind; that perfect temperature change.  It seems to beckon us on to some far off new place. I remember the first time I stood and felt the pure Colorado air blow across my face; it makes the earth sing.  It is a drug.  The trees dance in it.  What is air, now that I think about it?  We can feel it, we breathe it, but we can't reach out and grab it.  We can't see it.  Sure there's a scientific explanation but that just doesn't suffice for me.  There's some mysterious power about it.  The best way to experience air, in my opinion, is on the water.  That mist that whips up to cool your face.  Someday I will have a boat and experience this all the time.  When I worked at the cemetery I used to spray the hose into the air and let the mist whip back and I would close my eyes to imagine myself gliding across the sea.  This is my place.  This is what I imagine when the wind beckons my spirit to some far away place.  This is my place of freedom.  Rhythm and melody flow freely here.  It is here that I run from everything I fear.  It is here that I run from pain, and sorrow.  It's in this vision that I see myself leaving behind the loneliness and struggle that meets me everyday.

I do dream a lot.  As I read back on this I see how, once again, I am writing of my drifting mind.  I often find it difficult to live in my reality.  I find myself not satisfied with my story so far.  I spend my nights drifting off to sleep dreaming of what I wish would happen in my life.  I hide in my music and my dreams.  When life doesn't go my way I plug in my headphones and make believe a better place.  Do some people actually live out their dreams?  I seem to just lay and hope that they somehow magically happen on their own.  Where does the desire and courage to actually make these dreams come true come from?  I hope I find it soon because these blog entries are getting rather repetitive.  They always seem to be about abstract ideas and things that float around in my head like bobbing buoys.  A lot of people write about things that actually happen to them.  I find the things that actually happen to me to be rather boring.  My challenge for myself now is to start making my life a much better story.  Something has to change, and I'm not sure what it will be.  But, life has a way of dragging you out of your fantasy world after awhile and facing you with a choice.  The choice to take on opportunity or to continue to lay in a bed of false hopes and fake worlds.  Don't get me wrong, this bed happens to be very comfortable, but after awhile, you start to get a bad case of bed sores.  So, until that day of opportunity strikes, I wish you fair well, and I wish myself good luck.

(written to the tunes of Jonsi, Sky Sailing, and Armin Van Buuren)

Kings & Queens

And there I stood, standing atop a mountain overlooking the oceans and the forest. Everything seems bigger and better on a mountain. My favorite song streaming through my head phones as slowly the earth spins around me. This is life’s journey, these moments where everything seems clear. These exclamation points in our stories are what pump the blood through our veins. Sometimes life can seem perfect. There hasn’t been many moments in my life quite like this; the sun piercing the snowy mountain peaks and shades of the ocean waters below paint a picture that artists have tried to capture for years; but they fail. Have you ever wondered why, when you look at a picture you’ve taken you see it’s nothing like what you saw. Imagine if you could experience all those emotions just through a picture, it would be criminal. My recent trip was filled with these moments that pictures can never express…though I continued to believe that maybe, just maybe, this one picture would be it. And I could then share my experience with someone else. But this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, these moments are personal and unique. I think they’re moments where we stumble upon something pure; some pure moment where heaven and earth connect. Though I may sound like a crazy person I just can’t deny that there’s some special connection to this world around us, this nature, and heaven. I mean they were both made by the same creator, there has to be traces found in both.

Our regular lives seem to fog our memories of these moments, we get caught up in petty things and forget about how we felt in those moments. I seem to be starting to understand the personality of the wanderer, those people understand. They go from place to place experience these moments and it’s what fuels them. They might not understand where it all comes from but at least they aren’t trapped in the cycle of society. They haven’t believed the lies that culture seems so set on selling us all. Value isn’t found in the things we have; its found in the experiences we have…how can you blame someone who spends their whole life in search of more and more genuine experiences?

Alone

The older I get the more I realize how much I am tied to time. As at moves forward it forces us to move forward. I’m caught in the trap of wanting to feel content and not worry and in result all I do is float along with everything around me changing. As much as we feel helpless in this life I think we don’t realize how we can have an impact on the way our lives shape out. Events might not be in our control but our reaction to them is. I think that’s where the balance lies; being able to accept what’s happening to us, but at the same not accepting our desire to crawl up and stop trying.
This age is a difficult one to be in. I’m at the point where everyone around me is heading in different directions and I am forced to try and figure out where I am supposed to go. For many, I think it can be a more lonely time of life. We might have people around us and friends there for us; but there’s something about it. Maybe it’s just me but there seem to be more and more times where I feel quite alone in this world. It’s so big and I am so small. I can’t seem to find anything to connect with; or anything that understands what I’m feeling. The distance between me and what’s around me always seems to be growing farther and farther. I long for change but I seem to be stuck in this place. Deep down I feel like that won’t help. It’s something deeper, something more complex. Maybe I’m tired of the same games that people seem to play with each other. No one trusting each other, no one really being honest with themselves. Maybe the whole world is more disconnected and lonely than I think. I often ask myself the question of whether this is just the way this life is and I shouldn’t search for something better.
It seems every time I start thinking this way, though, some miracle I see reminds me that’s not the way it’s meant to be here on earth. This life isn’t meant to be lived in sadness and loneliness. Yeah it’s a pain filled world and there will be moments of loneliness and sadness. But we live in a dead world that’s completely surrounding by something so much greater. When we focus on this the goodness from this light can’t help but seep into the lives of people on earth. I think this is what part of believing in God means. It means that we live a different life, it means that we can have deeper relationships with because we can connect on a different level. Maybe the real problem for me is that I haven’t embraced this life like I should. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m living half in and half out. As I write it it seems so backwards that I would attempt this, why would I neglect myself from the things that I so truly long for. But isn’t that the human condition? Knowing what we really need to make us happy but continually turning to the things that will never satisfy. I guess that’s life here on earth, that’s the struggle, the question is do we have the faith to overcome.

Step Outside

Life keeps moving. Each and every day minute by minute the world ticks on by. I wake up in the morning and sometimes I just feel like life doesn't make sense. Life feels empty. It's days like these where I just float in reality, stuck in time and that sense that life keeps moving forward whether I like it or not. This is the story of life; either you move with it, or it will drag you along.

Some days the sky clouds and for no apparent reason life doesn't seem so grand any more. I look for inspiration but find none. It's times like these that I question myself; the person I've become. I grow skeptical of who I am and how I see myself. I often wonder if I have some deep rooted issue that affects me in ways I can't see. But perhaps it's not me, but the affects of this sad world rubbing off on me. You look in people's eyes and there's pain. Pain that's been numbed by the addictions of this world. Perhaps its these gray days that reveal to me what is really going on in life. It takes me out of my sun shiny day world and into a world much darker. It's a world where people feel true despair and loneliness. A world where each waking moment is a struggle. And maybe I am beginning to see that I do nothing to reach out and attempt to make the pain go away. All I do is live in my beautiful and make believe world where every day is filled with good things. I don't think life was meant to live in pure happiness. I think to truly live life we should feel the pain of this world. We should feel the pain of those who feel like they can't go on, like they can't take one more breath. I think we were all called to realize this harsh reality and to do something about it. The question is what am I doing about it, and the answer is one that I don't want to face. The answer requires me to step outside of my controlled and pretty life and face this broken world I live in. Today life isn't so great...and just maybe, that's the way it should be.

(written to State Of Trance 2010 Part 1 by Armin Van Buuren)

I caught myself today imagining all of the things I'm going to buy when I graduate and get real job. I often have this tendency, to forget what I've learned in the last twenty-two years of my life...the lesson that joy comes from the simple. It seems that whenever we imagine these things what makes them desirable isn't the material object...it's what we anticipate it will brings us...whether that be status, temporary high, or a sense of control. Yet, I always am wanting more...because every time I get something I realize it doesn't give me what I thought it would. Things just seem to clutter life; make it more complicated. There's nothing wrong these things by themselves, but I think it's how I attempt to chase the things that won't bring what I want. I want to feel connected, complete, and content. I keep having to be reminded that I feel these things when I am resting completely in the simple truths of life. Do you ever drive and see that sunset and get this warm feeling? This feeling that everything you were all worried about...simply doesn't matter anymore. Time seems to stand still and you grasp that moment and wish it to never end. In the Bible Jesus teaches us this truth about resting in the simple things in life. I am always drawn to the section of Psalms where it talks about lying in green pastures and led beside still waters. That's the feeling I want...to be at peace...that's what I feel in those moments of sunsets.

When I look back at my past I see so much of my time wasted in pursuit of true joy. It's like I don't want to believe what's really true. I must always seek to find out for myself whether the things of this world really aren't fulfilling, and it's taxing. One can acquire a lot of baggage from all these pursuits. My journey now is to clear my heart and my mind of all the memories of the past pursuits. A life spent chasing the world is so draining and when you're done there's a strong sense of boredom. The excitement you expected isn't there. The rush of rebellion has dissapeared, and all you are left with is a sense of what if...what if I hadn't wasted my time doing this or that but simply trusted that true fulfillment is found in God. I guess this is life though...that lesson. Some learn quicker than others. I continue to hope that finally...I've learned mine. So I set out on a quest to discover more of these moments of sunrises, these moments where I can truly feel that I am resting in the palm of a Savior. Sure I'll fall down again, and attempt to drift to other distractions but I pray I'm always pulled back up by the simple truths and that each fall opens my eyes wider.

"The Force"

Have you ever thought about the heart? ...not the muscle but the idea that we can't quite get our heads around but we through the word around like we can. Each person's "heart" reacts differently to everything. I watched a movie about sled dogs surviving the antarctic the other night I can't help but wonder how in the world I can care about dogs in a movie? How can a person care about anything? It's quite a wonder how the heart works...how we can feel anything. Emotions...we all feel them but no one knows where they come from. I suppose some would argue from the brain but still if it comes from the brain than where in the brain does all these feelings come from? The way a person sacrifices his life for his brother, what motivates that? One can't simply explain it away as a reaction in the brain to certain that are trained...it has to be bigger than that. If it was that simple we'd just be robots and just turn off our emotions. Maybe the heart is tied to the spirit, something free and independent of our physical beings. All I know is that it drives people to live and breath every day. We all feel the beating of our hearts but there's something deeper we feel all the time too...some in explainable force that's so dynamic and abstract. In the movie the owner can't sleep over these dogs, he travels across the country begging people to help him get to these dogs...dogs...if it was simply a brain thing that would never happen. Yet these emotions aren't just limited to hollywood flicks...we all experience. We all feel connected to life whether it be people or dogs. I recall Avatar again (yes I'm a big fan) when they talk about how the whole planet is connected through the trees and when they tap into this network amazing things happen. Well, I think our hearts our to them their trees. When we tap into each others hearts something amazing happens. It drives people crazy. I think it's what we live our lives for. What it is we feel connected too might vary but I think overall we're driven by our hearts. We're driven by this unknown force. But after all maybe I do really know what's behind all this. Maybe I do know where this force comes from. I guess it's why I believe what I believe. That there is something bigger than me in this life; and He has to be the source of this universal phenomenon. It only seems logical, when I look at the stories of that time He was here, on earth. He loved like know else ever has, it seems he had this force within him that was fully unleashed. The ability to truly love, to truly feel. Maybe it was the power behind all those miracles, all those powerful words that changed people's life.

Yeah, this isn't just some brain thing...it's God.

Journeys

It's another one of those days...where sometimes time seems to stand still. The slow twitch of branches on trees; a faint breeze stirring dried leaves...it's a contemplative day. For some reason I find the flight of birds to be one of the most artistic expressions on earth. The way they glide and swoop through the air; there's something moving about it. I've been sitting here for awhile now; staring out at the birch tree outside my window. I've been thinking about why so many Christians seem out of touch with the world and what's really going on with people. I think it's cause we've forgotten the beauty and importance of the journey. Our focus drifts towards bringing the people around from point A (unsaved) to point B (saved) and we ignore everything else in between. I think all that stuff in between is so important, it's the unique journey in life that everyone has. Once we start caring about that journey I think is when people change. Everyone wants someone to care. We all desperately want to feel cared about; like we aren't just one more spec on the earth.

I was watching a video on the I Am Second website and it was an interview with the old lead singer from Korn. I was amazed at his story of going from point A to point B. It was all those things in between that I think has the power to change the people around him. On this site there are so many different people with each their own unique story, their own journey. It's amazing to see how God works in people's lives in a unique way.

I've been reading "This Beautiful Mess" by Rick McKinley and he writes "Every person, no matter how battered by life, is created in the image of God. Their stories aren't just details that we have to push through so we can get them into the salvation chamber and out the other side in acceptable shape. Their journey itself is sacred." I love this idea of embracing people and their story and seeing their journey through life as something sacred. I love hearing people's stories; the way that tragedies and blessings have changed the course of their lives forever. The way that this messed up world impacts each person in a different way. I hope I can start to look at everyone around as not just another person but more as someone who has a story. Maybe if we're all more like this we won't be looked at as fake but more as the ones who really care. The people who when you're hurting and lost you can go to, to be accepted. A great community of hurting and messed up people going through life together clinging to a Savior. I think this kind of community is irresistible. A place where we don't get caught up in being right or wrong; or being better than each other. But rather a place where we can have faith like a child. Where we throw away everything and simply believe; where we go through life sharing our journeys.

Something Old

(something I wrote over the summer about my favorite thing!)

The definition of music. It is a journey. Something that can take you from the ground that gravity holds you too and take you on a flowing ride throw the clouds and every just once in awhile it takes you to the edge of heaven and lets you peak inside feeling the energy that escaped its glory. Shivers pulse your blood stream and something inside your head glows with energy and emotion. Those simple notes and tones strike chords in the deepest parts of your heart and soul.

Music explains what the world cannot. Clarity is ushered in on soft breezes and delivered to your window on raindrops.


Music understands. It relates to you and its been there before. Have you ever wished your life could be a movie? This can take you there, to that moment of perfect; to that place of tears both sad and happy. I often wonder if in heaven I’ll lay with angels in breezy meadows and the most perfect music will just flow through the air my lungs suck in. for hours and hours we’ll just lay there in perfect happiness and experience a journey nothing like here on earth. When the songs done we’ll just start running and never get tired…and then over the hilltop we’ll see it…something better than a sunset…better than a morning’s sunrise…I don’t know what it is but I know it will be there. It’ll be breathtaking, and in perfect harmony I’ll hear that perfect song again…except it’s totally new from before and that much better…and I’ll think to myself, why did I ever not want to leave earth. How could I have lived without this, how did I live through the pain and suffering of earth. How would I have lived if I knew what this feeling was like. I think God whispers to me through music, he sends me hints of what’s waiting for me, suddenly I don’t care about the pains of this world. For this I’m waiting, I’m anticipating, and I don’t ever want to forget these things.

I wanna drive for the rest of my life

Driving might be one of my most favorite past-times.  Things seem to make sense.  When you fly down that road with the nightlights racing by.  A peaceful exhilaration seems to overcome me.  My favorite songs erupt everywhere around me and all their memories flash back and forth.  This is when I dream.  It's when I feel.  It's when I'm vulnerable and really me.  Cause it's just me and the road, and the road always listens.  It takes those fears and hurts and lets you see what they really are. 

Sometimes when I drive I'll feel shivers down my spine.  I speculate it's when God reaches down from heaven and touches me.  It's when I feel the strongest connection to the Divine and it almost always seems to hit me through music.  The way those sounds pierce my thick walls and touch me in my most deep and personal areas of my heart.  No where else have I been brought to tears than when I drive.  All the while those white lines keep racing by like the beating of my heart; letting me know that life goes on. 

Then there's those turns.  They're smooth and flowing and with them the music floats around and whips back and forth.  Usually I get that smirk that few have ever seen.  I save it for the best moments of life.  Those moments when life gets real simple; and life gets a lot less about me and a lot about what's around me.  It's funny the things that God uses to speak to us through.  Music, driving, the wind, the sea, the rain.  The beat drives me and the wheels move me.  They always take me somewhere new.  I might be driving the same road over and over but it always seems to be new; because each time I learn something new about life. Something inspiring. Money, and things, and houses, and status don't matter anymore.  All that matters is driving farther and faster to get to that next moment.  To get to that next place. To hear that next note.

Something Bigger

Everyday I think about regret.  The things I wish I did...and the things I wish I didn't do.  If I don't regret, I run the risk of living my life however I feel like living it.  If I live in regret I miss out on living a free live.  So where's the balance?  I feel like my life can be so much more than it is...I feel like it could be so much more exciting and free but there's so many things that hold me back.  My complacency, my guilt, and all of the substitutes I manage to find in place of what I really need.  Regret kills our aspirations.  It holds us back because everytime we dream of something or want to strive for something regret reminds us of our mistakes.  I think freedom from regret is found in the true meaning of life.  Once we understand what life is all about and what's really important we start making the right choices.  Once we can move beyond the temporary and see a glimpse of the horizon we start living for something better than ourselves.

As soon as I stop focusing on what's happening to me, and what I don't have, and what I want; I start to see what's really happening in life.  It's the liberation from myself that sets my spirit free.  And in these moments I seem to discover a new world.  It's full of beauty, pain, and adventure.  And things start to come into focus.  I start to understand that everything has purpose and design...even the hard parts. 

I hope some day to have a boat and go sailing...on the open sea.  When I think of sailing I think of how I want my life to be.  I see myself sitting behind that wheel with no exact destination in mind but I'm going somewhere; there's no roads or stop signs or speed limits.  I'm free to say what I want and if I want to scream at the top of my lungs I can.  The waves break against the boat and spray me with a cool mist and it's exhilarating.  If my life could be like this I would be happy.  A life lived without all the restrictions of society.  A life where I could express myself the way I want to express myself.  I wouldn't feel the pressures of having a career and having all these things that just wither away in the end.  If I could have any job, I would travel the world attempting to capture the magic found in everything.  From the lightly falling snow flakes to the way the wind moves the long grass.  A life spent searching for more of the miracles given to us by the Divine.  I often dream of being Adam.  He spent 100 years searching a continent for a companion.  The whole time experiencing the wonders of nature for the first time. 

I think everyone has this inner desire.  I read an article about the wide spread depression people were experiencing after watching Avatar.  Everyone has this desire to live in a world without the corporate scars of greed.  A life spent experiencing life the way it was meant to be experienced.  A life of harmony and love.  Where we admired the fingerprint of something greater than us.  People experienced this but don't know where it comes from.  The desire to live beyond their personal desires.  The desire to believe in something, something that has the answers.  Something to pray to.  The ability to say it's not in my control.  To fight for something we love.  To take the leap.  To not fear death.  To truly believe in something bigger than us.